I just feel that it amuses you. Make me feel even more pathetic.

I don't need you to make me pathetic, I'm already a monster. Stop complaining. It's 06:00 PM and I need a cig but I can't because my mother's at home and I have so much respect for her so I don't want smoking in front of her. So I have to wait for 09:00 PM. I feel empty tonight. Empty and jaelous but there are bad feelings.

Tonight I'll go to the "Accad" to see my friends. I'm in a hurry it will make my bad feelings desappear. For a moment I hope.

I went to the hairdresser this morning. And I am very pleased with the outcome. Tomorrow I'll go to my sister, I'm in a hurry to see her and my lovely goddaughter with her father! I'll ski so much hope it will help me to be in order with my body. The prob, by my sister there aren't fruits and vegetables. So I'll take mine. Some of mine. The first dinner will be composite to a HUMBERGER. i'm so desappointed. But I hope the rest of the week will be better for that. My goddaughter spoke with me so much now and I really love her. She's my fate when I wanted to cut my vains so much time. I hope that to be with her could help to forget him. Just for few days. Brief. I'm not really fine, but because of what she said me last night, I understood that to feel good is the proud of my love for her. I don't know if my love is greather than the illness. But I'll try. Again and again and hope that one day everything will be ok for us if I know that she can't wait me and days to days she will forget me a little more. She probably will always love me but never like before. And I don't know if I'm ready for that. I think I'll never be.

He said to me things bad but he was right. I am a monster and I "live" in a fucking horrible bubble and I never thought about people I loved because I believed that I was bigger than a giant but I wasn't and now, I couldn't hope that he could coming back. I understand. He never will come back. Never.

I already take my drugs so... Goodnight.

Je commence à comprendre la machine. Je suis devenue méchante, aggressive. Et surtout je n'écoute plus les autres, plus les gens qui m'entourent, je ne les écoute plus, je ne les entends pas. J'en ai rien ç faire du malheure des autres parce que le miens est trop dur à supporter à comprendre. Il veut que je parte que je le laisse j'y arrive pas. Il me hait et ça fait mal, mais c'est mieux que de ne rien avoir. Je suis devenue cette fille égoïste qui pense que personne ne peut l'aider et qu'elle est dans un trou qui se creuse et se souille chaque jour. !!!!on lui en a tendu des mains, mais trop adepte du malheur, elle y reste. Trop peur de gouter au bonheur et de l'aimer parce que s'il on tombe plus bas encore alors elle reste dans son trou à rat. Elle reste :là presque inerte à vomir son corps, à pleurer son cœur et hurler ses maux et ses erreurs. Elle dégage tellement d'atmosphère cruelle, sordide, pathétique. Mais elle s'en fou puis qu'ils ne sont plus là. Elle s'en fou. Et tant que ce sera le cas ils ne reviendront jamais. Enfin elle, puis que lui c'est sans retour.

The letters of your name are embedded under my skin.

I am falling in tears. Everytime, night and day. alone or not. Even if I'm at the university. I'm completely destroy. I keep the smile as I can but sometimes it's too hard and I scream and I cry. I feel empty because you're not here anymore and I feel filled because my stomac just wants to go off. I am trying but I know it's lost. I just can't live without you. I can't. I CAN'T!! CAN YOU HEAR THAT? CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I am becoming a crazy girl and violent girl because you let me alone in the dark. "Goodbye into the light, like a Phantomrider I'm dying tonight. So dark and cold." I am crying all the time. It hurts so much. When I try to keep the pain inside of me I'm drowning and I feel the fever rises and then falls and then I'm cold. Betray my feelings at the temperature of my body and my head hurts so much from crying. It's not a metaphor, it's really what my body does.

Student party!

The student party was SO amazing! But I remember why I didn't like to go out. Boys suck! Everytime that I move they are here and they're lookin' at me, they want to dance with me and they dredge me. All the girls love it. But I don't. I can't. Because I feel so fat. But this is not the most important reason. The most important reason is that I can't stop thinkin' and lovin' him. I don't want to be with another. I realized it too late.

Brief, I danced, don't eat, I had a good time with my friends I met some guys really cool. It was a good party. I'm in a hurry to have an another. I love dancing.

FUCK.

I can't. I can't and I don't know how can I do to turn off this fucking shit. I don't know how. I am tired. Completely tired. I lost my mind, I lost my strength, i lost my heart, I lost myself again. I wish I could fly so I'm thin but the reality is that I'm just so FAT. I don't remember anymore how I did before. How I did to be so beautiful. How I did to resist. How I did everything. I want to be that girl who got lost.

I have to prepare myself for the student party. see ya.

Hi guys!

A new day begins and I must go to the IUT in 5 minutes. But I take the time to come here. I don't know how this day will unfold, I have a little (a lot) the ball in the stomach. I'm really scared since they are no longer there. Afraid of life, afraid to move, afraid of me too ..

Tonight I go to the student night I wait to change my mind.

I thought a lot and I love him, but it hurts ... He wasn't love me as much as he said. Otherwise he would have forgiven my mistakes. But he didn't.

See ya later.

I know I'm singin' sooooooooooooo bad. But shut up ok.

I know my accent is horrible. I know that I'm singin' so bad. But I don't care. I needed it.

I won't let you desapear. I'll continue to love you in secret. Because you don't want to hear from me...

too many fears

 

I know I can be scary. But this is nothing compared to what is in my heart. No hate. Only the sentence. And much, much too much trouble. I'm lost without him, I know that we pay all our mistakes I'm paying my own. I'm paying them too heavily. I don't understand all that has gone so far. I don't know why I made those mistakes that cost me my breath and my last look. My eyes are closed. My heart is cloistered. For eternity. Without you. This is it. The pain and the fears. Without you ... I can't breath.

Fuck off.

It's the End. I don't want to tell you something else.

It cuts my breath. It cuts my vains. It cuts my life.

It's killing me.

It's just the end.

Break on the past. Return in the past yeah.

For Sue. I love you.

"Pain of love will last for ever." Yeah, I can understand that.

I am a fucking slut, bitch, whore, hooker, scrubber, slag .

I know. Yes, I know.

Yesterday wasn't perfect.

Yesterday wasn't a defeat.

It was just yesterday.

Today isn't perfect.

Today is a defeat.

I'll be beautiful. I'll be fine.

I know that. But it's not for today.

We sometimes say horrible things, things that we do not. Either because we are selfish, or because we are afraid. Sometimes because we are stubborn.

The worst in this story is that we always say these horrible things to the most important person of our life. We do unreasonable things because we aren't safe, instead of asking clearly, we are making stupid and hurtful things.

That's how I lost the two people I love the most. And now I'm left to cry my eyes, my heart to repent and my head to think, reflect. But no matter what my body will do, nothing will erase all this pain.

It hurts so bad.

I failed anything today.

I failed my first day without diet. I failed my friendship with my life. and I failed the biggest love story of my life.

"J'ai vomi partout. Partout où j'ai pu. Autant que j'ai pu. N'importe où, n'importe quoi, n'importe quand. J'ai vomi avec mon index et mon majeur agrippés au fond de ma gorge. J'ai vomi à Paris et à Londres, j'ai vomi à Tokyo. J'ai vomi au réveil, sous le soleil et sous la pluie. En plein jour. Je me suis relevée jusque tard dans la nuit pour vomir. J'ai vomi dans les toilettes de la maison de ma mère, dans les toilettes des appartements de mes copines, dans celles de mon école et dans celles des boîtes de nuit. Puis les toilettes elles-mêmes sont devenues obsolètes. Alors j'ai vomi partout. Dans les rues."

Bad romance

Bad girl.

Bad things done.

Bad girl.

Bad heart.

Bad girl.

I need photography, concerts, fun, friends.

Because of the disease may be I could never bear children. More than a year since I'm sick, and the other one is bad. But I want children. And I'll have a little girl named Lili. It's the only promess I tell to me. The only one about my life.

Day - 15 & I'll have my new piercing =D

Tu t'enfonces à n'pas parler, à t'enfermer.

It's just the past.

"Moi j'ai cru bon de te montrer

l'endroit où je m'étais caché[e]

jusqu'au jour où derrière mon dos

j'ai vu planté tous ces couteaux."

"Ouvre toi, fais sortir les mots

ouvre toi ce n'sera pas d'trop

Déballe c'que tu as sur le coeur

on a tous droit au bonheur

Ouvre toi fais pleurer tes yeux

si tu peux pas j'le ferai pour deux"

Burnout.

It's 2 a.m. and I just arrive at mine.

Hey guys! Tonight was so great. I had really good time with a lot of friends, but I missed three for the night. Many boys dredged me but i did nothing. It was pretty cool to see I can please someone even if I feel so fat. But I understand one thing too. I can be faithful and left alone for 7 months until I rejoin him. I believed I can't but it's not true. I can, i really can because I'm complety in love with him. It was a nice night and now I just have to make wonderful dreams and dream of him. Nothing's more important than him. there are not just some words in the wind. Nothing's more important. Nothing.

so now I go on my bed, good night guys! see ya probably tomorrow. I'll talk about my first day without diet, hope it will be ok. Bye! =)

Today I took an important decision.

 I stop the diet because I'm seek. I want to have a good health and after I'll thought about a new diet.

Such a fuckin' shit.

I'm fine. Hope today and the other would be great for me.

Yesterday should have been a very good day. But nothing. I spent three hours to prepare a dessert especially difficult, with three components for my parents and me. And that night, my father isn't come home. He always spoils everything. It's tiring.

But no matter!

In a week's vacation! I'm in a hurry to see my sister and my goddaughter, I miss them. I miss his father too of course! Just one week this year and after I'll have my exams but I'm not stress. I trust in myself. Brief, I'm in a hurry to go to the mountain and skiing! It would be so great, I really need that to breath a little more. It would be fantastic. But for the moment I have to work on my lessons.

See ya soon everybody. 

Just livin'.

Now I just wanna enjoy what life has given me. My friends and my family. The rest. I don't care. Today I saw my best friend, Sue. I missed her so much. It's good to see her again. Really good. I want an another rat because I'm missin' Licht so much, she was so pretty funny & cool. She was so beautiful & so affectionate. I miss her. I really want an another rat. My engagement with the psychiatrist make me move. I try again and again. I will figure it out why I'm becomin' like that. I'll be better. For them. And for me too. I wanna go to Los Angeles. It's my goal. To be quiet. To be free. To be with him. So far away from France.

Hi everybody!

I don't know for the moment if I'll only speak English there coz' I'm not bilingual Bu I'm learnin'. My name's Mathilde & I'm 19 years old. I live in Caen but I leave in six months in Los Angeles. I hope so. Mmh, don't know what can I write in so... See ya later. Oh if I'm there it's just because I believe that I'll be quiet. So now, bye.